Yesterday was my 26th birthday. Lately I've been reflecting on who I was ten years ago compared to who I am today. The life I live is not the life that my sixteen year old self envisioned. Being home is an act of faith and obedience for me, and one that requires a great deal of help from the Lord.
I once sought after the praise of this world and measured my worth by the world's standards. Though I now am confident that there is a better way, I still struggle with wanting to be validated according to the things of the world. When I feel like a failure in my job at home (and I do...often), I feel pulled away and battle the inexplicable desire to be even more in the world. I start to long for the things the world values instead of remembering what is valuable in the eyes of the Lord. I convince myself that I need to leave my home and my children to pursue the fleeting things that the world offers. I have even had those feelings validated by godly people during those times.
Yet in His grace He calls me back. He leads me home.
The worse my anxiety is about my shortcomings as a wife, mother and homemaker, the stronger the pull back home becomes. He convicts me more, plants my feet more firmly into this calling. My Heavenly Father turns my heart back toward Him and reminds me that my worth is found in Christ alone. He reminds me that I cannot do this alone.
He reminds me that it is not about my glory but His, and that His approval is the only kind worth seeking.
*disclaimer - I don't want mothers who have a calling outside of the home to take offense to this. This is about me and my calling. I think there are legitimate reasons for a mother to work, but i believe that the things I struggle with do not fall into that category.